Leave Out All The Rest

My mind has been going to interesting places recently. Maybe because I'm 50 years old, I am spending a bit more time doing life review, or maybe because the only TV commercials for my demographic are hawking funeral arrangements, laxatives and AARP membership.

At a dear friend's funeral reception recently, three women and I had a "The Big Chill" moment when we looked around the packed house and commented simultaneously, "I'd never get this many people at my funeral!" These women were in my same age range, perhaps a bit younger or older, but all were contemplating the impact they'd had on other lives.
Would they be missed? Would they be remembered? Would someone even care?

Today as I was driving home, this song came on the radio and the lyrics pierced right through the "mindless driving zone" into my conciousness. The song is called "Leave Out All The Rest" and it seemed to sum up perfectly the types of things I've been thinking... What will I leave behind?

Linkin Park, Leave Out All the Rest

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving?
When I’m done here

So if you’re asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shared what I made

I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I’ve never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you’re asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You’ve learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can’t be who you are

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You’ve learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can’t be who you are
I can’t be who you are

My Gifts At 50

As I have mentioned a couple of times before, I'm turning 50. Soon. Like, day-after-tomorrow soon.

I have not made plans for a big blowout party, or really any plans to celebrate my birthday officially. What I will be doing on Friday is what I've been doing since last Thursday---taking care of my ill mother-in-law.

My MIL had a very extensive and significant surgery recently and SO and I will be rotating weeks to care for her. While this is a challenging time because we are supposed to be planning our wedding, not to mention that 50th birthday, it feels as if it's a gift of more import to me.

My own mother and I had a complicated and sad relationship, one that left me feeling "less than" in many ways and wondering about my sensitivity and worth as a person. With SO's mother it's not like that because I'm not her daughter, there are no agendas, points to prove, or struggles for power. Though I'm her daughter-in-law, we have more of a friend relationship. We like many of the same things and share some creative tastes, and engage in raunchy girl-talk (much to SO's chagrin).

When SO and I began talking about MIL's care, I wasn't sure how well I'd do; for the reasons mentioned above. I am learning that I am much more caring than I'd thought, more capable than I'd thought, more available to be leaned on emotionally and physically than I'd thought.

While I won't be at an evening soiree' like the one I had for my 40th birthday, or dancing around in a coconut bra and grass skirt at Joe's Crab Shack like I did about six years ago, I'll be doing something equally fulfilling; receiving confirmation that I've grown into a woman that can be depended on and can think of others first; a woman who can be a friend and companion; that maybe in some small way I've paid it forward so that someone can do the same for me one day.

I know I've become a woman of value; that's a fine birthday present if you ask me.

Here's What I Learned In The Fitting Room

Today it was time for a little retail therapy and I was very much looking forward to it. I had a couple of gift cards in my purse that were screaming to get out and I wanted to let them.

I found myself at Ross Dress For Less. I really have to be in the mood to shop there; the merchandise is pretty much shoved onto racks with little rhyme or reason apart from sizing. Today I was in the mood. SO and I have some social engagements this weekend and I fancied some new items. Sometimes a new shirt, pair of jeans, earrings, or a pair of shoes can just turn the switch to the "on" position personality wise.

I am pushing my little cart around the store, choosing items and mentally constructing an outfit around each item: "I can wear that black sweater I bought a couple of weeks ago with these jeans, but I'd better go try them on first", so off to the fitting room I go. When I arrived at the front desk where they give you that big hang tag number that denotes how many items you're taking into the room, I noticed the attendant was a senior citizen.

I watched this woman as she worked; she was like a hummingbird. She'd zip over to the desk hand out a number, zip back to the two racks holding discarded clothing, zip back to the front desk again. She was tiring and inspiring to watch. She also was running rings around the other employees who were younger by at least 30-40 years.

I have a few health concerns and I don't always move so well, not horrible but not great. Certainly I'm not up to climbing Mount Rushmore as a very dear high school friend recently did. Some days stairs can be a challenge. HOWEVER this little lady at Ross was moving!
I said to her: "How are you?"

"You really want to know? Come here, I'll whisper."

I leaned forward and she sort of stage whispered, "85".

I said, "Oh, I asked how you were, but I never would have guessed that."

"Oh I thought you asked, how old I was"

"That would be pretty personal" I laughed as I took the hang tag and went in to try on the jeans.

As I pulled on the jeans in the tiny dressing room I thought of the woman; I thought how sad that she has to work at 85. I then had to stop myself because really, I had no idea what that woman's story was but I was creating a dismal picture. She had way more energy than I did, and one thing I know is when you have a lot of energy, you can't just be sitting around. Maybe she's working in order to keep busy.

I wanted to ask this woman why she was working, but somehow that didn't seem like the right question, even insulting. As I left the dressing room and went to the desk to return the number I said, "what's your secret?"

"What's my secret?"

"Well yeah, you look great, you're moving faster than I am , what's your secret?"

"Well, I never drank, never smoked.."

"Good clean living?"

"Good clean living." And she gave me a very sweet smile.

So here's what I learned in the fitting room today at Ross:
-As long as you've got energy, keep moving,
-Do the best job you can,
-And be kind to silly young women who want to know your secret. They'll learn it themselves in time.

Wisdom Of Life From The Dogs

Some days ago I was ruminating over my readiness to be a pet parent. As I was playing around making a stylized cartoon version of myself, it came to me to put a dog in the picture. The one in the picture seemed to speak to me. Should be interesting to see what we end up with and if he resembles this guy! My good friend sent me this a while back and I thought I'd share it here. It seems apropos. If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. I think I'm getting closer :)